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Posted on 17th Sep at 8:11 PM, with 5 notes
names

warning: don’t read this not proud of this at all but it makes me laugh


when i first met you i thought your name
was the most
beautiful
name i had ever heard
4 different letters of sheer
awesome

id never met anyone with that name before
and i was fixated let me tell you
i was in love with your name before i was in love
with you

and then one day i was on literotica
and there was a story with your name in it
it wasnt
about you
but it made me think of you
and my god
i was in the middle of masturbating
and everything you had ever said to me just tumbled into my mind
my god
i love you

Posted on 5th Sep at 7:25 PM, with 1 note

wrote and recorded in 7 minutes so hah

i haven’t seen you for a while

but it’s okay

i still have your skype literature

and i hope you know

you make my day

you’re the one who keeps me breathing 

and i can’t wait 

for the day

i see you again

and i

miss you

and i 

miss you

and i

miss you

please come back

whatever you’re doing right now

i hope you’re happy

you’ll never get the chance to frown

and i don’t know how

you’re that close to perfect

but you are 

and i

i really do

and i

i really do

and i

i really do

i love you

i’ll probably edit this later sorry for the 

Tagged: #songs,
Posted on 1st Sep at 5:20 PM
i don’t want to go on

i

am so insignificant 

and this 

is a one lane road 

and we

aren’t going in the same direction

i don’t want to go on

you’re so close 

if i tried i could

touch you

but now you’re behind me 

and im looking back

arms outstretched 

i don’t want to go on

i want to turn around and run after you

meeting you was the first incident that i

don’t regret 

i’ve known you 

for a fraction of time 

maybe i’ll never see you again

i don’t want to go on

you’ve given me so much 

my arms ache 

from holding your art 

words and pictures

from hands on keyboards and hands on tablet 

from edges and curves tumbling out of your lips 

i don’t want to go on

Tagged: #rant,
Posted on 31st Aug at 7:03 PM
sat’s and being scared and you

look at what i’ve done and tell me i deserve to continue

or choose to ignore me as thoughts break down my mind

i need you why aren’t you here

i need someone why isn’t anyone here

break my life into ten sections, perfectly timed, assign a score

sort me into a university and slap a piece of paper on my back

i’ll frame it. 

to show 17 years have been worth it

even though you were only by my side for one

infatuation is ridiculous

i’ve known you for so little

and yet i can’t think of anything without you there

you’re always there 

you’re always there 

you’re always there 

you’re always there

tick tick ticking away

whispering nervousness into my skull

i love you so much

take this away from me

everyday.

circling ABCDE

filling in bubbles

there’s no time left

mom’s coming up the stairs

"why aren’t you done already"

im scared 

im scared 

and i cant stop staring at a line that moves back and forth

back and forth

back and forth 

back and forth

just tell me what am i worth

im scared

im holding this to my wrist and hips and upper thighs

hoping someone will barge in and tell me

i dont need to do this

at the same time 

i want to lock myself away and 

delete 

Tagged: #rant, #2012to,
Posted on 23rd Aug at 3:10 AM, with 5 notes
a few months ago i wrote a very long poem while engulfed in sadness
this is a collection of lines 
View high resolution

a few months ago i wrote a very long poem while engulfed in sadness

this is a collection of lines 

Tagged: #2012to,
Posted on 22nd Aug at 6:15 AM, with 1 note
new

tear off my skin 

and paint me a stainless surface

rip off my hair and teach me

what it’s like to grow again

healing hurts

painkillers don’t do anything

sleep doesn’t come easy

am i in control anymore

power is slipping through my broken fingers

much like sand, or perhaps, water

that sinks into the shore

like i imagine i will with you

i promise i’ll kill what i can’t change

and starve my pain away

i’d lose anything to start anew 

Posted on 22nd Aug at 12:04 AM, with 1 note
my life is a play and you are in it

PROLOGUE

This is about you,
Just as much as it’s about me
So we’ll look back to my younger self
A time of tranquility 

ACT ONE: SCENE ONE
The scene begins in a bookstore. I’m sat reading fairytales until it’s time to go, and on the way home, I wonder why the princess loved the prince and when I would be a princess.

At home, I try on my mom’s heels. They’re much too big, but in my head, they’re the perfect size. 

ACT ONE: SCENE TWO
In the next few years, I go through a slow, slow process that goes by much too fast. I’m left older and wiser and sad. As I try to detoxify myself, I become poisonous and starving. I let the hunger consume me when I can’t feel the poison anymore. In a desperate attempt to feel, I open the pages of Merriam-Webster. I’m taught to combine 26 letters to form words that understand what people cannot. 

INTERMISSION
Even though the pain has faded to the back of my brain,
It’s roused from memories of early mornings 
The mornings when I can’t be the princess the heels so long ago allowed me to be 
The mornings when I know I can’t accomplish anything 

I know how to spell
I know how to read
So why are the 12th, 15th, 22nd, and 5th letters 
Still a mystery to me? 

ACT TWO: SCENE ONE 
This is where you come in
I’m sick, but I’m fine at the same time
I can feel my salt and iron and dopamine
Using the English alphabet, I can feel most anything
I know that everything has a meaning
Everything has a word
And when Merriam-Webster has no entry that defines you perfectly 
I look to the 12th, 15th, 22nd, and 5th letters 
wondering if that’s you and me 

Are you the protagonist?
Are you the one?
Is this the plot twist in which I become a princess?
Is it happily ever after when this is done? 

Not knowing the answers scares me 
Will the answers scare me more? 
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know
I’ve never felt this way before

If I could sing I’d sing the lyrics I wrote to you
But I can’t sing so I’ll just say them instead
And you listen even though my voice is shaky and rough
Frankly, my dear, I can’t get you out of my head 

Every thought that I think leads to you
You’re in my body inextricably 
The friction in your jeans has no appeal to me 
I just want us to be 

We can’t be forever
Just like this shit piece of writing can’t be 
I’m pretty sure I’ll end this now when I still have a bit of my sanity
Please say these aren’t shadows in the dark
Please say that you love me
Tagged: #2012to,
Posted on 22nd Aug at 12:03 AM
Everyone is always telling me to change the world
To be the change I want to see in the world
To go out and change everything my eyes lay upon
Without any thought 
Who cares if my marks are scars?

Me.
I know that my mark will be faint
A small permanent marker drawing on my corner of the world
It’ll fade
It won’t change the world 

I capitalize my I’s
I know I have power
But I won’t change the world 

Why are you telling me to change the world
I don’t have my contacts in I can’t see anything 
I’m not going to go outside
I’ll stay in my corner and pull out a Sharpie
Stain some skin breathe in some fumes

I won’t change the world
Stop telling me to change the world
I’ve just gotten used to it 
Tagged: #rant,
Posted on 22nd Aug at 12:02 AM
There are always nights
nights when I feel what I can’t put into words
and I don’t know why i feel that way
but I don’t want it to stop

Later, there are mornings that resist decay
I stand up, go to school, the same damn routine 
and I’ll try to talk and speak my mind
but I’m always knocked down

There are always people who judge lives
they call me words that I know aren’t right
"attention-seeker, ungrateful, pathetic, weak"
but they haven’t even glanced at the other side

I’m not a sad version of you who’s gone too deep
I’m not you I’M NOT YOU
I’m real, I’m real, I’m really, really, real
please just stop telling me what to do

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Just be happy. Get over it.
You’re selfish for thinking that.
Go outside. You’re always like this”

There are always times words get to me 
because there are always people 
when rubber bands don’t bring enough pain
there are always nights
Tagged: #rant,
Posted on 22nd Aug at 12:01 AM
DNA
there’s something wrong with all of our lives
deeply ingrained in our chromosomes
a story we choose to tell
stuck inside our world

i dont want to tell the story im in
so i write fiction with my tongue
its never published
but it keeps me breathing

breathing, bleeding, quietly living
trapped inside a flawed system
get out get out i cant get out
its the only world i have
the only story i can tell 
dont tell me to change the world
what if something goes wrong
what i fsomethin ggoe swrong

give me your world
ill give you mine
its a desperate attempt to be intertwined 
intertwined in a double helix
theres something wrong with all of our lives
Tagged: #2012to,
Posted on 21st Aug at 11:56 PM
really silly song thing
Darling, I think you’re the one for me 
Though I’m not interested in you romantically and 

Honey, you’ll get them next time
You’ll be fine you’ll be fine you’re one of my kind 

Can I get a sugar for my tea?
Though I don’t think there’s one big enough for you and your titties
Sweetheart, forgive me for being obscene
It’s just that I love your turtle
and by turtle I mean chest

All these pet names don’t mean anything
Useless terms for people I see on the street 
and people I meet whose names I can’t bother learning 

darling honey sugar sweetheart 
little terms that I assign 

So I’ll put on glasses from a doctor who screwed up my prescription tests
Even though nothing is clear
I can see you better
My dear…
Tagged: #songs,
Posted on 21st Aug at 11:56 PM
You Are
You are not an apple
a pear
or an hourglass
You are not the shifting of a scale
You are not the equations you solve
You’re an inequality
x>0
You are the words that come out of your mouth unintentionally
and the movements of your hands
You are a child of early morning despair
worth more than your weight
worth more than your weight in metric units
worth more than your weight in gold
You are your thoughts
your words
your razors
your blood
and your tears that you keep trying to hold back even though they sting your eyes
You are you;
a cut not deep enough to leave a scar
You’ve made a change
but you don’t exist anymore.
Tagged: #2012to,
Posted on 21st Aug at 11:54 PM
needy

It’s 3 in the morning. Every time I stare at my eyelids my subconscious forces them back up, no matter how heavy they are. I can’t fall asleep. You’re always there. And it’s the thought of you that drives me insane. Your image is burned into my retinas, but my mind tells me it’s been a while since we talked. 

There’s an emptiness in my stomach, a void that dark chocolate and buttered toast can’t fill. Tiny scratches crisscross over my left arm, and as time passes, they get redder and redder and they just won’t heal. It was like this a few months ago. That was when even the dull brightness from streetlights glistening into my otherwise dark room from the cracks in my blinds caused me to scream into my pillow and bang my fists against my skull. I was scared, I was unattached, I couldn’t feel. Maybe the meds are working. I’m happy now, sometimes, and sometimes I’m sad, but is the pain real or is it induced from some drug I take daily? Either way, it’s been a while since we talked. 
When we first met, I kept quiet. Past experiences have taught me that no one really likes me. I’m a placeholder. I’m the friend who gets replaced. But as days passed, I told you more about me. Hesitantly, at first, then I grew louder and louder, and not once were you scared off. Maybe you were so similar to me that what I said just didn’t faze you. I thought it was that. You closed off cracks that appeared from years and years of being thrown away. You painted me a new surface. I was happy, until the days you didn’t wait for me after class grew more and more frequent. You made up excuses, I thought them to be true. I get the hint now. 
I really think you can fix me, but it’s been a while since we talked. 
Tagged: #2012to,
Posted on 21st Aug at 11:52 PM

i’ve never known how to explain infinity

its just a concept i can’t fit in my mind

it might be the universe it might be time

its what could happen if im yours and you are mine 

lets have a one night stand we won’t regret, i’ve got

a lonely night drowsiness and a bed

maybe something’ll click and i’ll let you in

my mind 

we don’t have to think anything through, we’ll be 

skin and friction and uncalculated moves

and when the sun rises our silent thoughts will intertwine

stories created from this one night stand of mine

i think i know how to explain infinity

its the past and the future and all of space and time

its the nights with you and me 

its when im yours and you are mine 

Tagged: #songs,
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